♥Relaxing ...

Saturday, October 31, 2009Y

A little lonely~~a little sucess~~

Everyone is working hard for the finals.. hoping to get the bestthey could in the first sem.. of course, i'm going to do the same.. the different part is.. this time, i prefer to be alone.. It's for several reason.. first, to concentrate more on wat im aiming, second.. keep myself well occupied with books in watever time thts left for me to study.. in short, stop wasting my time.. and so.. i went to the library... studying all i can, but when i was about to head home.. holding a stack of books walking toward the car park.. with the big blue sky above my head .. there was a certain of loneliness in me.. not that type of feeling where others abandoned me, nor being boycott by my friends.. it's just a feeling of going through life fighting alone.. Long time ago.. there was someone who told me this, If u ought to be successful, u'll need to be lonely for a certain time.. Because that's wat it takes to be successful.. Now, i totally understand what he meant. Then i have a really scary nightmare yesterday.. i dreamt of the world coming to an end.. everything is destroyed.. and im all alone again.. i couldnt contact the one i love.. dnt know where there are or are they still surviving... when i open my eyes, im there in my room.. all alone.. that really creeps me out.. i've never been so scared to be lone b4.. maybe i just think too much.. but it was like something so damn real for me.. after that i just sat at the living room wondering.. what will happen if it really happen to me... gosh... suddenly.. just need a big hug from someone.. perhaps anyone.. to actually realise my existen..
i dont deny being to stress... but who wouldnt in this type of time.. maybe sometimes i would just over react.. after all, someone normal wouldn't think such thing at such time huh..for now.. my conclusion is... take a bath.. stop thinking nonsense.. and start doing maths question.bye..

ends at 10:27 PM

Monday, September 28, 2009Y

spidy...go away la!!

haha.. my blog is like so extremely rusty and full of spider web i think.. so.. somehow.. need to blog something.. dnt want to let my blog end up this way..
The fact is, i've been eeeeeeeeexxxtremely busy in uni... Really hope to have more time to rest and breath!! For me, communicating and socialing with ppl in uthm wasnt easy, my character.. to do everything perfectly according to my "standard" is really torturing me so far.. especially when i need to work together with "Manusia" hope u all know la.. walao.. really cannot stand them ler.. maybe for those in my class only la.. but no offend to others~^^i really need to deal with them.. this time i lost another few marks because of them.. as even my dear said im a little kiasu, those few marks meant alot to me..especially for ENGLISH classes.. really cannot accept lo..i work so hard for it and at last they just get the mark!!! so extremely unfair..so.. next time, it's not goin to be so easy for them!! u see ba.. i sure torture they all gao gao~~!! haha.. so evil... plus.. since im in uni quite late.. i wasnt very good in my studies either.. i dnt even have time to catch up.. everything just pass like tht.. this week go in uni.. next week sem test.. i dnt even know wat im studying.. once again, thx for my kiasu character.. i felt really bad.. i felt so useless and stupid for not doin well.. but, im opt to try again..and thus, as days past.. i felt it harder for me to catch up and i try to escape from it.. now.. i realise.. it's useless... i need to face it.. because, its another 3 years for me to cope.. im sure there are some out there that face the same problem.. hope everyone have th spirit of not giving up in them.. i've experience it b4.. just hang on.. everything will be fine soon~~^^

ends at 6:19 AM

Saturday, August 22, 2009Y

Dilemma~

Holiday is over, and its time for us to go back to uni again... continue to go through those hectic schedule of mine.. somehow i found it rather annoying.. but no matter what still have to go back lo.. mmm.. have to miss my dear for another three weeks.. maybe im feeling alot lonelier since im in uni... couldnt really get into 'line' with the girls.. feel really wierd sometimes.. i really have communication problem with gals i think.. or is it because im a bit late than others.. mmm dnt know lo.. hope i could find someone tht i can share my feelings lor..if not.. i'll be dead not talking to anyone... when im there.. the only word i can think of is... lonely..stress.. and yet, im dying for a place in uni few months ago.. i guess i wasnt so tuff.. need more time.... time is the key to everything now...

ends at 10:03 AM

Sunday, August 2, 2009Y

Struggle to uni~

Perhaps many of u know how hard i struggle to get myself in uni.. Well, it really wasnt easy for me.. at first, after i was turn down in the first application.. i decided not to give up and try to appeal for a place and chance to uni.. However, i was once again turn down.. this time.. i was really devastated.. i didnt understand why.. as i already choose uni which are quite far away from my home.. sadly, maybe its because of the course in " high demand' so.. i couldnt get any place either.. After that i was thinking of giving up and go for private college.. but wat haunts me is the thought of spending so much and not doing well in the course i prefered.. And ya, it wasnt an easy course, its law.. many actually tried to advice me not to pursue law.. but.. dont know why, i feel tht i could do it. so .. i decided tht i'll give it another try on local uni and if i still dont get it, i'l go for law.. somehow, after a bad conversation with an influence person, i decided to choose the uni tht i dont really want to go at first.. and as i expected, i've got it.. after all the long struggle to get into the uni i wanted so badly, i still end up where my family wants me to be.. somewhere much nearer to home.. for me, i felt tht it was a blessing in disguise, here, many could help me.. friends, housemate, all of them treat me so good and remind me on everything.. (im really blur so tht helps alot).. Plus, i can go back to my home town whenever i want ler.. its only a 40 minutes drive.. actually, im really lucky, i skipped orientation just tht i'll need to catch up on alot of things.. but, i soon adapt on the uni life.. although it wasnt really the life i prefer.. buts its still part of life and i accept it.. at least.. i have many ppl supporting me.. friends, family, coursemate, and my dear housemate.. they made me feel so much at home and not a stranger to them.. its so great of them.. mm.. need to give some special thx to ppl like mr. victor (help me to get into uni), chern siong, heng way, xue ting, siew wen, and of course my dear..and those tht i didnt mention name.. its not tht u're not important la..just too many ma... thx to all of u so much!! love you guys.. lets work hard together, gambateh~!!

ends at 8:44 PM

Friday, June 26, 2009Y

Yes, i really love u.

Im suppose to write on my trip to Mersing like wat i promised my friend to... but .. everything become in a state of chaos when the results to enter local uni are out.. Yes, i did not get any offer. Not even a single one, it was devastated for me.. i thought i could handle it, but, i was wrong. i could not and i really have a terrible mental break down. i couldnt think of wat to do next, i couldnt sleep or eat. I just feel the lose of faith within me and i totally gave up on everything. Everyone around me was shock, my teacher, friends and family. Yet, i will still hav to accept the fact tht i've lost it.. the one and only chance to prove my ability and to achieve my dreams. I wondered wat went wrong, i wondered wat i've done wrong for God to punish me.. I didnt know why, i couldnt find the answer...

The moment of despair was a terrible moment for me, but all the while, he was by my side. helping me with wat he could. I have once doubt his feelings towards me, but after all this it became clear. He was there every moment, giving me all the courage i needed. He completes me at tht moment, he brought me back to life. When i felt everything is giving up on me, he made me feel to be the only one holding me tight. Step by step, he brought me back to the path of determination.. struggle through the hardship, and made me feel there is still hope.And then one by one, i feel the presence of friendship and family bond.. everyone was trying to help me, advice me, give me the courage, so tht i can get through it.. he remind me the presence of other important things and in the same time to grab the opportunity to set my goals back. Now, i finally feel the hope, the hope that i opt for so much. i've choosen the road to believe in the things i believe it could happen. im glad to do it. i've prayed and at least i feel it is answered. although the outcome is yet to be discover, at least i did not give up and i try everything i could. He is now leaving, and i know i have to face the world alone for now, but his voice will always be deep in me.. reminding me to have great determination.. and tht was the greatest yet precious birthday present i could every get. im letting him go.. i want him to have freedom tht wat a person should have.. nop ..tht doesnt mean we are breaking up.. but i do not restrict him from just loving me. i believe in faith. i cant believe me saying this, but i do love him alot. i cherish, love, and is grateful to have him. Despite so many obstacle we went through, it is now something tht i feel thts worth it. Even if it doesnt last, i'm proud to say tht i have someone so great b4. Thoughts, love, moments, tht i will remeber for the rest of my life.

ends at 8:03 AM

Thursday, June 4, 2009Y

time to express...

Actually, its really late now... its 1.05am.. but all i can think of is blogging.. i've just came back from ozo.. its the place that i like to go whenever i have any problems... and the person tht always accompany me is pk.. mm.. im really glad to have a good friend like her.. yes, definetely, everyone has its own problem. But it might just happen tht i have more than others... however, i still feel tht im lucky to have many great ppl around me.. those who cherish and love me so much.. and i wouldnt want to disappoint them.

Now, im once again at the point of making decision. the point where i need to think matury and think of the consequences of my action.. yes i know it sounds serious.. at least to me it is.. i dont know wat will be the out come.. but i believe everything happen for a reason and there is no one to blame.. Well, u guys must be wondering wat im talking.. but sadly, i couldnt tell anyone. I believe those who know me very well would understand.

I found that many ppl have difficulties in expressing themselve.. so do i.. but tht doesnt mean that im heartless or emotionless.. sometimes things just get harder to express when things get complicated. And i believe most of us go through this b4.

After thinking for quite a long time.. i've think of the things i want wiith my life. and now... i'll need to think on how to fulfill that.. thinking and dreaming is easy.. but doing it is actually the hard part. One thing for sure... sometimes, things are unreplaceable... no matter how good somethings are replaced with,,, it will never be the same.. so, we will need to decide wat are the things tht should be replace and not to..

and promises are meant to be fulfill, not broken....

ends at 10:04 AM

Saturday, May 30, 2009Y

silent is golden?

I've said to post lots of emo post on my blog recently.. and most of my friends that read it ask why.. sometimes, i just feel tht letting out in words literally is much more better verbally. its not wrong to say tht i really have mental break down recently.. but again.. i dont know why..yes, i admit tht i tend to stay silent alot..i prefer to think alone, act alone, and cry alone..maybe thts wat happen when u become too strong, u'll never let anyone know how u feel, preferably..let everyone think tht u're doing ok. Everyone in this world lived for a reason, at least i believe tht its true. i've always wonder wat will happen if im not in this world anymore.. will it be a better place? or will it feel my absence? well, dont worry, im not going to commit suicide.. just i feel disgust when i need someone by my side.. i feel weak.. i feel useless..is it wat will happen when u're to strong? i wish there would be someone there to let me know its ok to be vulnerable.. but everytime i wanted to tell anyone my feelings, silent is the only word tht i could think of.. in a way, its good tht no one knows ur secret.. but in contrast, its hurt when the person u love dont even know wat happen to u.. silent? really golden?

ends at 8:27 AM